I know you’ve all been worried sick about me, with my lack of blogging activity over the last month but here I am, ready to share some tumour feelings and updates.
First thing I thought I’d get out there was the delay in my surgery. I know I said this in the last blog but just as a quick recap; my most recent scans hadn’t shown tumour growth and the consultant said he was more confident that it was a grade 2. However, with the current global pandemic my surgery was to be delayed at least until late July after I have some further MRIs and when we know more about the COVID -19 situation. Now, I am well aware; no growth, no chopping head open, likelihood of lower grade tumour – I should be jumping up and down jiggling my newly grown man boobs. Well, you’d have thought so, however, to be honest after my moobs had settled down I started to feel a bit different.
It was my birthday on the 21st of April and I knew that after having a pretty excellent life so far that my 33rd year was going to be my hardest and well shittiest by a long way but I had in my head, operation this month, a couple of months to recover, if I have to do chemo and/or radiotherapy I could be through the worst of it and if I remain healthy I could be back to my best for April 21st 2021. However, I could now be looking at a potential op in September/October (own guesstimate) and my recovery could well and truly go to 2022 and that’s fucking shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I should be showing more positivity with the other optimistic points from the conversation with my consultant but before this diagnosis I’d got my act together diet wise, I was hitting the gym 5/6 times a week, I was running 21 minute 5kms, swimming with solid 800m times and was looking pretty buff. Now, thanks to my dislocated shoulder, broken arm and fucking Timmy I can barely lift a 10kg bar above my head and my running is despicable and full of anxious thoughts.
More importantly than any of the above is that the delay puts a lot more stress on my mental health. I do put on smiles and jokes, particularly through this blog and I’ve always tried not to take life too seriously and make fun of myself and others which I imagine makes me look a lot stronger than I actually am. However, I’d liken my thoughts to a funnel; the majority of input thoughts are sad and depressing. Mainly, how long am I actually going to live, does the delay mean my tumour is growing and make it harder to get out, am I spending my last few months on life in lockdown? Then as the funnel narrows, I digest my thoughts to try and project only positive ones. Sometimes this can be quite difficult and every so often I let some of the negative energy out. This is quite hard, and I imagine others going through similar situations to myself brain tumours or otherwise have these thought processes and it does make you think about how you talk to others and see other people as I imagine lots of people, like me, hide behind a front.
I am hoping that my next MRI scans in July will still show no growth and I can still be looking at a Grade II prognosis and can start my operation and fighting process as soon as possible and that the COVID delay hasn’t helped the tumour mutate into something worse.
Now, on to something a bit more light hearted and something I know you’ve all come back for, exercise. In the last blog I completed a 4km run, I’m now running about 6km but no progress in speed. I can’t decide whether my lack of fitness is due to my chubby belly (borderline obesity) or anxiety to try pushing myself. My doctor did say don’t overdo it as it could bring on a seizure and I imagine that knowing this does stop me pushing it and every time I get a little tired I do automatically slow down and rest. I’ve started to do Joe Wicks HiiT workouts too to try shed some pounds and make it easier to run too. However, I have a slight predicament….it may take me 2 months to get back to my ideal weight, so there I’ll be slim and trim for July’s MRI where I then may have my surgery and I’ll be taking steroids which will help reduce brain swelling but also mean I’ll be piling on that weight in no time. So, here’s the question, do I diet and try not to become a rotund human sized magnum or just let the magnums consume me, enjoy it and lose the weight after I’m given the all clear?
Nothing else to really say, I know the hospitals have begun to start surgeries again and after speaking to the neurosurgery department at Leeds they said my type of surgery would be high on the priority list once they start up, so here is hoping everything is good with my next scan and we can Timmy out ASAP.